"Well well well you're feeling fine..."

Dr. Robert is a graduate of the College of Medicine of the University of Guatemala and holds a master's degree in sports medicine from UCLA. He is board-certified in Ecuador and licensed to practice in Uruguay, Mexico, and several Caribbean islands. Although Dr. Robert is a trained professional, he urges you to consult your own physician before acting on any medical advice offered here.

April 8, 2003

Dear Dr. Robert,

If Gee doubles you in a contract, should you automatically redouble, applying the extended Bones Principle, and would that then be alertable?

--Greedy Gus, Galt's Gulch, USA

Dear GeeGee,

No you should absolutely not automatically redouble just because G doubled you, but you should be on the alert for the situations in which it is most advisable. Consider the disadvantages of a forced Bones Principle redouble. For one, it is very difficult to play the hand when you don't know who has what, as is the case when Gee has entered the bidding. Many a trick has been lost by opponents who thought they knew where the cards were, only to have the planned line of play go up in smoke as Gerard had one of his, shall we say, "less than conventional" doubles. The Bones Principle redouble also tends to frighten Gerard's partners into leaving. You can't keep piling up the IMPs if the game doesn't continue now can you? Better to win 8 IMPs per hand in which you are doubled than 12 IMPs once. Nonetheless, there are situations in which judicious use of the blue card can be most profitable against Gerard. It is high time to redouble when:

• You have issued a Bones double to Gerard, only to see your (apparently inexperienced partner) pull it and be doubled by Gerard. You must protect the equity that you have just lost on the board because of your partner's poorly timed flight of brilliancy.
• Gerard doubles in front of you when you were about to bid more anyway. Need I comment further?
• Gerard was in spec discussing my editor during the previous hand. You know that his blood is now boiling until he goes on a cig break, and he may tend to be a little too quick to double, at which time you should take full advantage.
• On the last hand. It's now or never, hombre.

March 22, 2003

Dear Dr. Robert,

Why won't Gerard cut his hair? Does he believe, like Samson, that it is the real source of his bridge ability?

--Confused in Canaan

Dear Delilah,

On the contrary. His table feel is so precise and sensitive that if he didn't maintain some sort of blocking device around his eyes, he would always deduce the cards of each opponent from their mannerisms, pupil dilation, breathing patterns, and general behavior. Think of the parents who always know when their kid is perpetrating mischief just around the corner.

Of course there are the aesthetic considerations. My coiffe consultant says: "It screams so many things at me! It's a little mad scientist and a little nutty professor, a little Medusa and a little Helen of Troy. It says 'Look at me!' with one breath and 'Go away!' with the next. Your friend Gerard is lookin' fine!" I can add only that, speaking personally, I think it's dead sexy. Grrroowwwlllll...ahem, that will be all for today.

March 4, 2003

Dear Dr. Robert:

Could you explain, for us Gee-novices, the difference between Gee's treatment of unusual and unusual unusual notrump? Is it possible that a third level, an unusual unusual unusual notrump, could clarify certain differences in interpretation?

—Dazzled in Duluth

Dear DD:

I'm glad to see that novices in the master's way are reading my column along with the more seasoned. Share the wealth, is my philosophy, and I am always glad to cover simple bidding problems as well. Remember, the only way I know what to write about is when you, the faithful reader, write in and tell me! So keep that feedback coming — especially the negative feedback. Some of that is pretty damn funny.

As to your questions, Gee does indeed extend the theory of unusual notrump beyond the comprehension of the mere STCP™. While you and your next door neighbor are of course familiar with a jump to 2 notrump to show the lower unbid suits, or perhaps the minors for some of you old fogies out there, Gerard has explored strange new worlds in which the unusual notrump has many more uses. These are some, though by no means all, of the more expert treatments:

• The unusual-unusual notrump. The most comprehensive of his advanced ideas. The main advantage to this method can be seen when opponents attempt a countermeasure. Most people counter the normal unusual notrump with a method called "unusual vs. unusual." But to counter this method people would have to play "unusual vs. unusual-unusual" and clearly the single unusual of the opponent would be no match for the double unusuals of Gee. This is a useful weapon for any player to add to his or her bidding arsenal.
• The really freaking weird notrump. Here we take unusual to the next dimension, or possibly the next universe. Examples of this treatment abound on Aaron's website, for instance here, and here, also here and here and over here, not to mention my personal favorite. Even his partners have been known to employ it. Any 2NT bid that no one else has ever thought to use in such a fashion fits this category.
• The rightsiding notrump. Hand hogging, though familiar to many of us, has been raised by Gerard to an art, all for the sake of the partnership of course. I mean, if you were on a basketball team with Michael Jordan and Tonya Harding, who would you want to have the ball? Exactly. Closely related to this is
• The Burger notrump. Can't decide what to bid? Nothing fits your hand exactly? All bidding systems struggle with this problem, except Gee's. Just bid 2NT and let partner figure it out! Although this doesn't always produce superb results at the table, it is highly effective in the post mortem, where it really counts.

Gee's innovative ideas will shape the face of bridge for years to come, and everyone from the slack-jawed yokel of the Midwestern plains to the sex-crazed bonobo monkey of the lush plains of Africa can reap the windfall. Well, not the monkey, and maybe not the yokel either, but you catch my drift.

PS — Apologies to all my dear fans, as I shall be racking up the masterpoints in Philadelphia for a while. I'll report in upon my return.

February 27, 2003

Dear Dr. Robert:

What was up with the three-month holiday? Don't you keep office hours?

—WTF

Dear What,

It feels good to be back! I've gotten dozens of letters like yours, so let's get down to it. I was undercover on a highly dangerous research expedition. My goal, as ever, was to find out all I can about Gerard so that I could better deliver to you and your brethren, all the Ben Dublins and Ivana Specgees out there, the information that you want — that you need — to know! I can't go into too many details, but intelligence-gathering is a risky business. I hacked my way through dense jungles eluding desperadoes, and dodging bullets in Gee-spec daily, all for your edification. The results have been spectacular; my knowledge of the man and his methods has increased to a degree that not even I thought possible.

Start reading my columns regularly for the latest in:

• Bones doubles, and their applications and corrolaries.
• All Gee's favorite conventions, such as Gerber, unusual notrump, and unusual unusual notrump.
• Captain/Crew/First-Mate/Deck-Swabbing theory.
• Partnership bridge: Gerard style!
• Moles at Gerard's tables. Who are they? How should they be punished?
• What is Aaron up to these days?
• The man himself. What makes Gerard tick?

So let's get those questions coming in! Nothing is too difficult, too controversial, or too embarrassing: all questions will be answered! Remember to keep reading, because it's hard to mock an idiot if you're one yourself. So to you dear reader, I wish a good night and a pleasant tomorrow.

Janaury 4, 2003

Dear Dr. Robert:

I've lost all my students. No money is coming in. I've bought a gun and I'm debating whether to use it on Aaron or myself. I'm at the end of my rope. What should I do?

--G.C., Costa Mesa, CA

Dear Pathos,

Yes, my holiday was very pleasant. Restful. Thanks for asking.

First, don't use the gun on Aaron. I can't stress this enough. I'm not saying there's any special medical reason you shouldn't use the gun on Aaron, but Aaron wouldn't like it, and he is my editor after all.

What you should do instead is consider what the world would be like if you had never been born. Hundreds of people watch you on OKBridge. On New Year's Eve alone, if your spectators had been out on the road, it's highly likely, statistically, that there would have been another traffic fatality, or injury, or at least a fender-bender. Then your students — who would have imparted the ins and outs of captain-crew theory to them if not you? What about poor Mr. Gower, the pharmacist? He would have poisoned that boy if you hadn't been johnny-on-the-spot to catch his mistake. Oh wait, that was someone else. In any case, you catch my drift. Keep your chin up, and remember, no man is poor who still has friends. Also, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.

November 7, 2002

Dear Dr. Robert:

Does Gerard really believe he's an expert? Or does he think, deep down, that he just can't play this game at all?

--A Tyro

Ty,

Of course he really believes he's an expert. He is an expert. However, Gerard has been, for some time, playing an elaborate confidence game on the rest of the bridge world. Several years ago he perfected his game. With nothing left to learn, he grew bored. And to create a new challenge, he began, with the aid of a few trusted conspirators, known in public as "students," to try to convince the world that he is, in reality, awful.

The circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. Could anyone compress defensive tricks at such an astonishing rate without knowing the location of every card in the deck? Could your everyday Joe misplay hands so regularly without a solid grounding in the fundamentals of declarer play? Could you or I misbid so consistently if we didn't know what the correct bid was in the first place? Of course not! So the next time you sit down to oppose Gerard, remember this: He is toying with you, the way children pull the wings off flies, and if he wanted to beat you, oh he would. He certainly would.

November 6, 2002

Dear Dr. Robert:

I am fascinated with Gee's theories on captaincy. Is there a limit to the number of times that the captain and the crew can switch identities during the course of bidding a hand? Also, when one member of the Gee partnership leaves in disgust after a disastrous hand, does the remaining member inherit the title of captain so that he may go down with his ship? Just sign me,

--Andrea Doria

Dear Andy:

The number of captain/crew role reversals is limited only by the number of bids in an auction. I have witnessed hands where Gerard was captain, then crew, then captain, then crew, then first mate, and eventually swabbing the decks of the bloody mess he left behind. Besides, a limit to the number of switches might prevent Gerard from becoming captain at the end of a difficult auction to save the hand before his partner drags them both down! After all, the last thing we all need is more website material for Aaron. [Well, perhaps not the last thing. --Ed.]

When one member of the partnership leaves in disgust, all ranks cease to exist. Now think: a helpless life raft with one frightened passenger is about to be swallowed up by a tidal wave. You need a captain and crew?

Man overboard!

October 23, 2002

Dear Dr. Robert:

There has been much conversation recently about who is the captain and who is the crew. However, this seems to apply only to bidding. "The Best Defense..." raises the question, who is the captain when defending?

--Defense Sitter

Dear DS:

Excellent question! Recall that, in standard captain/crew theory, the first player to bid is the crew. Analogously, on defense the opening leader is always the crew, and his partner is always the captain. The leader (crew) passes information to his partner (captain) with his opening lead, and if the captain needs more information he can use his cards to ask questions to the crew. For example, against a 3NT contract the crew leads the 2 of hearts, passing the information "I have four hearts." The captain wins the heart ace (from either bare ace, ace king, or ace king queen, as he has no obligation to pass information to the crew) and returns the 2 of spades, asking the question "why did you make such a terrible heart lead when a spade was clearly called for on the auction?" The crew wins the ace of spades (he cannot now have the king, as he does have to pass information to the captain) and returns the 3 of hearts, passing the information "a heart was correct, and your spade play was terrible." The captain wins the king, throws his cards out the window, and drives home. This asks the question "why did I agree to play bridge with you in the first place?"

And remember, on the trip home, to thank Gerard for perfecting the theory for you.

October 19, 2002

Dear Aaron:

Dr. Robert is too mean-spirited and cruel. He just goes too far. Period.

--Whinging in Wichita

Dear Witchy Woman:

You know, I try to take a well-earned holiday, catch up on my tan, pick the umbrellas out of my drinks, and then my editor has to spoil it by forwarding me letters like this one.

Look buddy, you telling me how to do my job? You see me walk into McDonald's and tell you you just forgot someone's pickles? You like to tell people what to do, why don't you go to Gerard's table and tell his partners to stop killing him?

Your unhealthy concern for me indicates a grueling regimen of treatment, administered, of course, by me. And just so you don't think I'm too cruel and mean-spirited, because you're a desperate case, I will reduce my usual fee¹ to $199.99 per session.² And you can be sure those are dollars well spent, as there are but two people in the world whose professional advice and services justify such a price: Gerard Cohen and myself. Consider yourself fortunate that you live in an age in which it is possible to enlist the services of such expertly trained and thoroughly experienced professionals. Call my office; all major credit cards accepted.

¹You don't want to know.
²A session is 20 minutes.

October 8, 2002

Dear Esteemed Colleague:

I must amplify your response to "Angry in Angola." The tests you referred to on cloning are only half the story. At the same time, top secret testing of cryogenics was going on in a distant lab. The results shocked the scientific community. It seems that the subject lacks a certain enzyme that makes cryogenics possible. This has never been seen before or since, yet it is demonstrated daily at the bridge table, where, every time the subject picks up an icy cold hand, within seconds it melts away to the contract graveyard. I felt I must clear this up for you lest your good name be besmirched.

--Dr. J. Bozerello, Kingston, Jamaica

Dear Esteemed Colleague:

I, in turn, would like to offer my sincere gratitude for the amplification and the support. As you probably know, I am already under fire from the medical community for my study of the mind of the bridge expert, but I refuse to cave in to narrow-minded and ignorant prejudice. NASA may have slashed my funding, but when my latest report, a complete lexicon of the bridge expert, comes out...well, just remember that they laughed at Edison, they laughed at Fulton. A few examples:

unmakable adj. Cold.
upside down count and attitude n. Random.
e-book n. Exactly like a real book, but misspelled, mispunctuated, ungrammatical, full of misinformation, and not on paper.
expert n. 1. A person who can type the word "expert" into his profile on OKBridge. 2. A person who can persuade at least one other person to pay him for playing. 3. A person who claims to be written about by a publication he claims never to read. 4. A person who has never won or placed highly in an important tournament of any kind.

The importance of this path-breaking research should be clear. Please give, and give generously, and don't forget to use my Cayman Islands account.

October 6, 2002

Dear Doc Bobby,

Why is it that Gee attracts a hundred spectators when playing with and against left feet, while I play against Garozzo and attract less?

--H.E., North Milwaukee, WI

Dear Harmonizer,

Your everyday OKBridge spectator is a fickle mistress, regularly succumbing to instant gratification at the expense of long-term improvement. He's always thinking, "I can watch Garozzo and learn stuff any time, but I might miss a stix and wheels classic if I leave Gerard's table!"

Fortunately I have the answer, which is why I'm writing the column and you're asking the questions. Gerard and Garozzo must form a partnership! Consider the advantages of a double-G pairing. The additional spectators are only the beginning. Gee's expertise in exotic systems makes him the perfect partner to play Garozzo's Blue Team Club. And since Garozzo is eligible to represent the United States in international competition, we Americans could just sit back and watch the world championships come rolling in. Shouldn't this partnership to rival "Meckwell" have happened already? The mere thought of it makes me proud to be an American, even if I'm not licensed to practice here.

October 2, 2002

Dear Dr. Robert:

Why has shotgun not taken his rightful place as Gee's main partner? Could it be he is afraid of being the captain?

--Curious in Cyberspace

Dear CC Rider,

Not at all! In fact your question can be answered with a letter I recently received. It was slid under my door in a blank envelope, and written by piecing together magazine clippings, so I can vouch for its authenticity.

Dear Dr. Robert,

A recent poll indicated that I am the people's choice to be Gee's partner. I was wondering whether I could have myself cloned for bridge purposes to be available for Gee at all times. I was also wondering whether I could be frozen now so that I would be available at a future date to be able to partner my idol Gee when he is an even better model player. I believe I can serve him and the world better by waiting ten or more years since my life expectancy may not be as long as his. If your cloning procedures are already perfect, perhaps I can be cloned and then frozen. Then I could play now, and be available for Gee if my life terminates before his. Could you make this dream happen for me?

Yours faithfully,
s.g., Tampa, FL

I trust this clears up the matter.

September 30, 2002

Dear Dr. Robert:

When watching Gerard I have heard some spectators refer to his "paranoia" and others to his "delusions of grandeur." I'm confused. Can one have both at once? If not, who is right? I await the diagnosis of a trained medical professional.

--S.F., Vienna, Austria

Dude,

Do I have to explain everything to you? Consulting the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth ed. ( DSM-IV), we find the following:

Paranoid perceptions and behavior may appear as features of a number of mental illnesses, including depression and dementia, but are most prominent in three types of psychological disorders: paranoid schizophrenia, delusional disorder (persecutory type), and paranoid personality disorder (PPD).

Individuals with paranoid schizophrenia and persecutory delusional disorder experience what is known as persecutory delusions: an irrational, yet unshakable, belief that someone is plotting against them. Persecutory delusions in paranoid schizophrenia are bizarre, sometimes grandiose, and often accompanied by auditory hallucinations. Delusions experienced by individuals with delusional disorder are more plausible than those experienced by paranoid schizophrenics; not bizarre, though still unjustified. Individuals with delusional disorder may seem offbeat or quirky rather than mentally ill, and, as such, may never seek treatment.

Persons with paranoid personality disorder tend to be self-centered, self-important, defensive, and emotionally distant. Their paranoia manifests itself in constant suspicions rather than full-blown delusions. The disorder often impedes social and personal relationships and career advancement. Some individuals with PPD are described as "litigious," as they are constantly initiating frivolous law suits. PPD is more common in men than in women, and typically begins in early adulthood. Symptoms include:

• Suspicious; unfounded suspicions; believes others are plotting against him/her
• Preoccupied with unsupported doubts about friends or associates
• Reluctant to confide in others due to a fear that information may be used against him/her
• Reads negative meanings into innocuous remarks
• Bears grudges
• Perceives attacks on his/her reputation that are not clear to others, and is quick to counterattack

Spectators at Gerard's table may find this list familiar. Although treatment is available, the Manual cautions that it "is difficult because the person's traits make it difficult to form a professional relationship. The health care provider should respect interpersonal distance, and avoid defensiveness or attempts at humor." You people on the honor roll, are you listening? No attempts at humor. Didn't your parents teach you any manners at all?

September 28, 2002

Dear Dr. Robert:

You're playing OKB 2/1 with Gee, holding Kx xx Qxx AQJxxx. Gee opens 1D first seat. The auction continues pass, 2C (from you, game-forcing), 2H overcall to your left. Gee bids 2NT. What does it show?

--M.D.W., Toronto, Canada

Dear Mr. Principle,

The auction you refer to, 1D-P-2C-2H-2NT, has several possible interpretations when bid by Gerard. The first, and likeliest, is natural, but without implying a heart stopper. Stoppers are for bathtubs and wine bottles. It makes no sense for Gee to confine the advantages of having himself declare, and discouraging a heart lead, to hands with an actual heart holding.

2NT could also be unusual for the suits unbid by your side (spades and hearts in this case) and thus a 4441 hand; or unusual for the two lowest suits and thus a 2155 hand; or just asking for more information from the crew (you). Now let's consider your rebid. Ignore the fact that you've already forced to game: it is a well-accepted principle in captaincy theory that the crew can only force the captain by bidding a new suit. Therefore, to force Gerard to bid and not miss a good 1100, you must bid the only new suit there is, 3S. Remember, 3H would not be forcing: it's not a new suit. If you're still confused, what are you waiting for? Order your copy of Bridge Is a Conversation today!

September 26, 2002

Dear Dr. Robert:

You're partnering Gee. He goes down in an ice cold game contract. After the hand he accuses you of overbidding. What's the best reply?

--Angry in Angola

Dear Angie,

Apologize. You are clearly misanalyzing the hand, because if it were ice cold an expert would never go down. Therefore you must have overbid to put him there. I recommend the following books to correct your bidding deficiencies, in order of increasing importance: Develop Your Bidding Judgement, by Terrence Reese, Points Shmoints, by Marty Bergen and of course Bridge Is a Conversation, by Gerard Cohen. These groundbreaking works will help you form winning bidding fundamentals, and sharpen your decision making so you don't embarrass Gee like that again. Remember, just because you've seen Gerard make a bid doesn't mean that you can do it too, at least not until you develop his table presence and feel.

September 24, 2002

Dear Dr. Robert:

As much as it pains us to face it, none of us is getting any younger and no one can ever hope to follow in Gee's illustrious bridge footsteps. Should we be thinking cryogenics or cloning or should we just let him take his unique and rightful place in history?

--Fearful of Fate

Dear Fateful,

You are not the first to consider this fascinating concept. Medicine has investigated cloning all of the greats, from Michael Jordan to Michael Jackson, from Pavarotti to Madonna, from Dr. Ruth to Dr. Robert, and Gerard is no exception. I myself have come across images from a previous experiment to clone Gee that went horribly, horribly wrong. You should turn away at this point if you are pregnant, nursing, thinking of becoming pregnant, under the age of 18, or have a personal or family history of heart conditions.

The same in every detail, but with 1/8 the bridge skill.

Apparently there was a mixup in the petri dish, and fortunately it ended, this time, with Gerard and mini-Gee cornered in their effort to escape the lab. This sort of experiment should be a distant memory for the sake of all our safety. And there are other difficulties. After the hand, would they each blame the other for overbidding, or would they acknowledge the lack of luck in the expert partnership? I leave this for the more philosophical bretheren to ponder: If two Gees overbid, and no one is around to blame, does it still go for stix and wheels?

September 21, 2002

Dear Dr. Robert:

Playing with Gerard, I recently recorded a plus result over twenty hands. Does this mean that God loves me?

--Mystified in Missoula

Dear Misty,

Yes. Yes it does. I am inspired to compose a hymn to the occasion:

Blessed be he
Who plays with Gee;
Who takes the fall
To amuse us all.
You actually won --
Enough, be done!
Don't run amok
And press your luck.

September 19, 2002

Hey Doc,

Can you give us any tips on how to play with Gerard? I've played with him many times, and I still don't have the slightest idea how to go about it. Thanks.

--The Seaman, San Antonio, TX

Hey Sailor,

Fleet's in, eh? The fact that someone with your extensive experience playing with Gerard still needs advice points to the extreme difficulty in doing so, and care required. In a recent column I recommended a handy kit to keep with you at all times during the game, but there are other useful hints. First, bid notrump ASAP. This dramatically improves your chances of playing the hand, and as we all know Gee makes an impeccable dummy. Gee also has a severe case of captainizationophilia, or, in layman's terms, pathological desire to take over auctions. Since notrump bidders rarely become the captain of sane auctions this often leads to difficulties. But if you get that notrump bid in first, then you misdescribe your hand quickly and easily, and let your partner's expert judgment guide you the rest of the way!

You should also take the low road in the bidding and play as often as possible. You STCPs think that just because you've seen Gerard do something that you can do it too. Nonsense: just as you weren't born knowing how to polish the brass and swab the decks, so it took Gerard dozens of years and thousands of hands to hone his skills. Now that's a lesson you can carry with you on all your expeditions through the high seas. Ahoy cap'n, stix and wheels dead ahead!

September 18, 2002

Dear Dr. Robert:

You're in spec at Gee's. He knows you're there and calls up to invite you to play. You want to protect your Lehmans on the one hand and continue to spec on the other. What do you do?

--S.G., Tampa, FL

Hey S.G.,

Don't I know you from somewhere? Maybe not. In any case, you'll be pleased to know you have several options in this awkward situation.

1. The "crash and burn" approach. Say, "I would be happy to play with you Gee, but that family of crows nesting in your hair knows more about the game than you do." Sure, you will miss out forever on the joys of speccing at Gee's table, but there are convenient places to keep up with the goings-on, and at least you will go down in a glorious flaming wreck that all will enjoy watching.

2. The "feed the ego till it can't eat no more" approach. Say "The pleasure would be all mine, but you expert types intimidate me, and your play is so enjoyable to watch from above that I'll just stay up here thanks." It's like giving your dog a nice juicy t-bone steak straight from the table. You just know that every night from then on he will be begging right at your side come dinner time. Roll over ego, roll over...Gooooooood ego.

3. The "I want to be famous" approach. Accept the invitation. I know it sounds like suicide, but consider: scientific study had demonstrated that Gee's Lehmans are right around 30. So say you indulge in some matchpoints with Gee, you have a Lehman of 50, and the opponents are 55ers. You only need a 100(30+50)/(30+50+55+55) = 8000/190 = 42.1% game to break even, so you can take your average minuses with pride! And being tight with the G-ster has its perks. He can be your link into the expert community to meet Rodwell and Helgemo and all the others, and if you're really lucky he'll give you a discount on his e-book once he has deduced to his satisfaction that you need it. Finally, playing with Gee gives you the power to induce some memorable post mortems for all the specs to enjoy. Trust me, they will appreciate it.

Dear Dr. Robert:

What sort of charm or amulet should Gee's partners carry to overcome Gee's bad luck?

-- Superstitious in the Sudan

Dear Su-Su-Sudio:

Sometimes even the experts need experts. I consulted my friend and colleague, Witch Doctor Wendy. She is exceptionally well-versed in voodoo and black magic, and has come up with a quick and easy do-it-yourself home kit which no one who plays with Gee should be without.

• A printed-out copy of Bridge is a Conversation, for quick and easy reference in case you don't know what to bid. Plus it makes for great bathroom reading.
• A granola bar. High blood sugar is essential to maintain the alertness that partnering Gee requires.
• A large mallet. To beat your head in whenever appropriate, Looney Tunes style.
• A horseshoe (metal only). Doubles as a hard object to throw through a window, should you feel the need to act on your frustrations.
• A copy of my autobiography, Preemptive Vulnerable Overcalls in the Mist: My Life Studying Gee. Coming soon to a bookstore near you.

September 17, 2002

Dear Dr. Robert:

I love your column and read it religiously! Could you please tell me, is a Bones Principle double alertable?

--Buffaloed in Buffalo

Dear Buffy,

Excellent question! The recommended procedure is not quite the same on OKBridge as it is in an ACBL-sactioned event, but since Gerard is understandably reluctant to play in ACBL tournaments, perhaps because of the well-known shortcomings of his partners, let's limit our discussion to OKBridge. Clearly players are entitled to full disclosure of all information imparted in their opponents' bidding, and this is no exception. Bones doubles should be alerted with an explanation similar to "doesn't promise any particular defensive values of any kind." It is a common mistake to assume that Gee's superior table presence and command of modern expert bidding eliminate the need to alert him to what should clearly be a standard treatment at his table, but one must nonetheless alert, just as one would for Garozzo, or Soloway. Besides, Gee's partner should have the information too, so he can prepare his apologies for overbidding in advance while Gee is holding the loss on the hand to 1100.

Good luck!

Dear Dr. Robert:

Gerard has threatened on many occasions to quit OKBridge and yet he always returns, usually the same day. His spectators handle this by telling him how much they love him and would miss him. Is this psychologically healthy? Or would a "tough love" approach be more effective?

--Flummoxed in Phoenix

Dear Flunx,

Let me see if I have this straight. You are worried that you might inflict further psychological damage on him? Can you further chop down a tree that's laying on the ground? Can you further sink the Titanic by jumping up and down on it to press it harder into the bottom of the ocean? Can you further ruin the day of a guy locked in a dungeon by giving him lumpy gruel instead of the creamy stuff? Can you further annoy a guy who is being subjected to Chinese water torture by sticking out your tongue at him?

Flunx, think of Gerard as a fish. One day some time ago, some juvenile delinquent caught this fish, and he bashed its head in with a hammer and threw it back into the water. However, this had a surprising effect. Though one might think the (now dead) fish would have stayed away to avoid future similar occurences, the cruel ways of nature caused the fish to float back to the surface. The illogical youth decided that since the fish had returned, it must have enjoyed the treatment, so he bashed its head in again with the hammer and threw him back again, and yet once again the fish floated back to the top. You have written in to ask me if it's healthy for the fish to keep bashing its head in with the hammer every time it returns. And to that I say, no, it's not healthy for the fish, but since the damage has already been done you may as well have your jollies, so run with it!

Nurse? Can I have my sedative now?

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